Unplugged 101: Tell me something I needed to hear

Dear 29-year- old self,

How are you doing? It’s been a while since my last attempt to get in touch with you. I know you are scared right now and things will be scarier in the coming days. Hold on tight, life is meant to be scary and terrifying and dark at the same time. That is the reason why outliving life is even more special.

Never forget that you were born strong, and no amount of fear or rejection nor hurt can ever bring you down. You have been through the worst and maybe some of the most down you can ever be. Did you remember the time when you had nothing but a dime in your hand a head full of dreams and possibilities? You never gave up then. You saw the future as a bright glittering universe ready to be conquered. You were hopeful, and nothing can ever come between you and your victory. It was wonderful how you vividly planned and spun the web of success in your spinning wheel.

But reality is cruel and mean in its own way. You fell hard into that corporate stream of heartbreaks crushing your innocent spirit away. Yes, you have experienced rain, and it was just not the usual drizzle, it was a hurricane of tears and disappointments taking the very hope of your life. But did you give up?

No, you did not give up. Not even when your mama gave her permanent goodbye leaving you lifeless and lost. Not even when you took over the baggage that needed to be carried when she left. You did not give up. You took the stand with dry eyes and a hard cold heart. I know you have given a piece of yourself away in that process, and you were ok to willingly give it anyway. You had no choice. Its either you move forward, or you lag and sulk with the shallow misery. Remember this: You did not give up.

Think again how sweet the taste of success felt like. How addicted you were to its honeycomb sweetness and how it became your ambrosia to strive more and become the man you were meant to be. Can you remember the determination in your eyes every time you wake up in the morning? Your eyes, oh how scary your eyes looked then. Mischievous and cunning, sharp and ravenous. But people would not understand why you were hungry. They would never comprehend your desire because it was disguised as greed for recognition and validation. Your silence has made them think it was true. 


So tell me now, why did you let those judgement pass by without explaining your reasons? You were not hungry, you just wanted to survive, you wanted a better life not just for yourself, but for the people who needed you. You had a mouth to feed, and a soul to nourish. This has become your purpose and that is why success is important. So why did you shun yourself then?

It was your right to be there, and it was your privilege to rise up against your adversaries. You were meant to fly higher than any eagle, to soar and shadow those who were lesser than you are. But dear 29-year old-self, you should have been careful flying too high. You should have planted your feet firmly while you were growing. You should have been a strong and sturdy tree rising up though rooted on the ground. Isn’t that how your parents taught you to live. You should have been more kind, gentler and less hurtful. It was not right to look down on the underdogs, the disadvantaged and the confused. They too have their story. If you only knew that back then, you would not have felt your second wave of heartache.

Yes, God takes away the things we do not deserve. And He would teach us a lot of valuable lessons in its most painful and perfect way. It was a beautiful reminder you never understood back then because you were too clouded with grief.  Nothingness, suffering, debt and emptiness were all you what’s left of you. Your father left you floating with an unwanted void leaving you in a time where you needed him the most. It was your perfect picture of misfortune and unhappiness. Because now, you are on your own, without a mother to lift you up and a father to teach you tough love.

This is all too sad. Thinking about the past and what you went through. How about we remember the good times too? Your brother graduating, your sister having her first baby and you, getting the love you have always dreamed of from someone who meant a lot for you. You had your sunny days running around the green fields of spring. The travels you had taken with your friends creating wonderful and warm memories of you basking under the sun. Your photos have shown your bright smile with that round face of yours telling the world how you have viewed life, how much you love being alive despite its chaotic rainbows.

Papa would always tell you that nothing is permanent, such a fun cliché I suppose. But how you learned its real meaning when you met someone and had your heart be broken after 7yrs, is yet another story. It was such a beautiful place to be in the arms of romance. You became braver, bolder and even more courageous. You never believed when they tell you the ugly side of it all. For you, it was worth it. You were very drunk with the idea, addicted to the feeling and elated with the thought that someone cares for you too. Perhaps it was self-doubt that led you to be too committed, clogging the airways of growth and hiding behind your own insecurity. Projecting your lack of dedication to the other person makes it more complicated. One of the hardest lesson you’ve learned in this chapter is that: A person can’t give you meaning, if you do not have it in yourself. I smile thinking how you cried buckets over that.

It was really strange how people came and left after that. You were trying hard to keep the pieces back, to be whole again for someone to accept, yet the process you had undergone was something that kept you from being whole again. It was a really long journey until you had learn to be yourself again, without the negativity and frustrations, the bitterness and the confusion. Looking back, things would have been really different if you have loved yourself first. It would have been easier if you had been more appreciative of what you are and avoided getting the validation from other people. Why were you so apprehensive back then? I never really figured out why you kept on pleasing other people. It’s such a trouble adjusting every minute detail of your personality just to fit in. At the end of the day, you only lost yourself. Had you been more careful, you would have been the most beautiful, lovely and iridescent person I would have known.

But it was not your fault. You were just driven out of the need to belong into something. The life that was left for you to live by your parents was too much. You wanted to blame them for the achievements you never got because you lack the resources. You only had the talent, the energy the drive and the brains but money was scarce. And most often than not, honor was brought by the wealthy and the privileged. You blamed your parents for the responsibility they left behind. They made you both a father and a mother to a young child. How could you raise him when you are still raising yourself to become a gentleman of respect and virtue? I would never forget how you let those special opportunities pass by, sacrificing your own interest to go overland just to be where you are needed. Inside the house, cooking dinner, doing the laundry, and earning a living just to get by daily.

Though your failures have made you broken, look at you now, you have become a crybaby who fights his way across the universe just to be where you are right now. You have been resilient amidst all these dusky and frightening paths you have taken. Stop wondering all the what if’s and why and simple appreciate the now. I know you have been curious and withdrawn and struggling and battling the demons you have kept for so long. Never forget what it has made you. Remember the lessons of your past and keep your little toes gently soiled in the ground. It’s a beautiful world out there, full of enthusiasm, full of mystery, and full of life. And you deserve to see it more than anyone else. Don’t be scared 29-year-old-self. You can do this.

Love,

Jan