Let me remind myself how to be me

Feeling a little bit dramatic. It must be the weather

2017 will soon be over but I am still here pooping colors as if I am some kind of unicorn. Since the start of the year, I have experienced a lot of major changes in my life. From leaving 5year relationship to my previous job, buying a new house and spending time with friends, the life I have been living in is far more different from what I imagined it to be.

I should be hungry for adventure and learning, this is what I need to remind myself everyday.

Now, as I sit here at Iloilo International airport, waiting for my flight to Manila, I realized a few things.

1. It’s not all bad to go back to basic. I am starting to see the old Jan Rae come to life. No longer the grumpy, miserable and bitter Jan Rae who always had a toxic knack to life. The Jan Rae who sees the positive, the beautiful, the solution and the good. I don’t know what has made me go back to this basic self, but I certainly want this to be a fresh start of something good.

2. Life has a few twists and turns, and you can’t do nothing about it. I entered 2017 with a heavy heart. With pure sadness and less hope for my life to get the direction I always wanted, I thought this year will be like some other years where I have little drive to continue, to dream, to live. But God has a beautiful plan in its perfect timing. It might not go as smooth or according to our plans, but our hopes will surely be granted. Not a minute too early or late.

3. Stumbling blocks are pavements, not obstacles. Those big boulders thrown at you, those small cracks that you thought would swallow you, those big or small things are stairways to reach that door of opportunities, that window of happiness. When facing a puddle of mud to overcome, I usually think of the dark roasted smell of a newly  brewes coffee, I slightly scratch my head, and face them with a forced smile. It was never easy, but imagining it done can make a very big difference. Trust me, it works.

4. It is so hard to say goodbye. I had a couple of teary goodbyes this year. To my former boss, colleagues, workmates and old flame. It was a hundred times harder than what I thought it would be. Full of tears, fake smiles and positive encouragements just to console the aching soul. However, these hard goodbyes make me appreciate the people around me more, the value of time, and the attention each relationship needs. These hard goodbyes offer learning, they test people to see who will stay, who will judge you for being you and who will always be there to support and pat your back. These goodbyes open new views, bigger space and a wiser you if you just take the courage to move forward.

5. Not all goodbyes are sad. I said goodbye to the me who people hated. The me who never stops criticizing the good. The me who will never run out of sarcasm. The me who likes to belittle others just to get ahead of the game. It was a nice goodbye. I just hope I never see that kind of me.

So here I am, ready to face what life throws at me.

So let me remind myself how to be brave, how to fight, how to say no, and how to openly love the world without hesitation. To not think of giving up or letting go. Oh wait, I think that’s my flight calling. Hate to cut this short bu I guess you can hear a lot of me more starting today.

By the way, I am still a sailor sailing my way across the seas. Happy sailing!